


I was off-duty!

by Kira_Katashi



Series: Kira's James Bond Shorties [6]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M’s life like a bad movie, bad attempts at kidnapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28343016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kira_Katashi/pseuds/Kira_Katashi
Summary: Mallory was just buying groceries...Can he be disappointed about howbadthis kidnapping attempt is?
Relationships: Mallory & 00-duo
Series: Kira's James Bond Shorties [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045589
Comments: 6
Kudos: 41
Collections: Mi6 Cafe Prompt Fills





	I was off-duty!

**Author's Note:**

> Something cracky written for the Anon Gift Prompt Exchange:  
>  _There are days when M wishes he had never been put in charge. Then there are days, like today, when M really bloody loves this job._
> 
> Happy Reading!  
> (This was formatted on the phone, I‘ll go over it again if there is a need to when I can get back on a laptop or PC)  
> edit 02.01.2021: formatting fixed, love send out to all the lovely commenters

Being the head of MI6 wasn’t as interesting as it may sound like – a delicate and important job, sure – but Mallory was mostly pushing around papers, save for the occasional scare when a 00s mission went sideways.

No, he didn‘t have two 00s particularly in mind.

Then again since the new Quartermaster ruled Q-Branch with an iron fist the two were…less destructive was the wrong word for it. More fitting would probably, that the two didn’t get as much explosive weaponry as before and had a good main handler. What in turn meant not as much destruction as before went _public_.

Mallory was an extra fancy paper pusher with a lot of power and authority at his hands but he still was a paper pusher at the end of the day. Which was good. He passed the basic fitness test but he was not build for field work.

Which was fine as well, he wasn’t complaining.

But remember about the part of having “power and authority“? Yes?

Good.

Or not good.

The thing was, he had been kidnapped during his grocery run. His _grocery run._ Couldn’t a man have his peace when officially off duty? At least as off duty as he can be with his phone always on-call.

Anyhow, back to the kidnapping.

It wasn’t even a good one.

Sure they had thought about destroying his phone so they wouldn’t be traced but that was about the only precaution his kidnappers did.

He had his fucking Q-issued bluetooth headset still in his ear, not accounting the three trackers on his person. Or the abundance of security cameras his Quartermaster could hack into. If his gut wasn’t too far off they weren’t too far away from one of Trevelyan’s boltholes. Plus said agent was currently in the country as well as his brother-in-crime Bond.

Mallory sighed, trying to keep his wrists in a position were the bindings wouldn’t chafe and suppressed the urge to scratch his nose where the bag over his head was rubbing against it.

He just wanted home, eat his chocolate and roll up in bed for at least two hours of sleep.

It was a surprisingly short drive.

Now, think of two very generic, stereotypical thugs.

Those were the men Mallory saw when he had been hauled out of the car and into a house, the bag torn off his face.

“You!,” the first thug was angrily pointing at his companion,”-you absolute dumbass of an idiot!”

The second blinked bewildered.

“What have I done now!?”

“ _What have I…_ YOU PICKED THE FRICKIN’ WRONG MAN!!”

The accused huffed and put the hands on his hips.

“Now, now. YOU said we are searching the supermarket for a male in his 60s, probably wearing a suit, little to no hair, 6’. He fits aaaall the points.”

A finger was nearly poking Mallory’s forehead. How was his luck so funky that Mallory had managed to foil all attempts at kidnapping and the two people who didn’t even want to have him managed it?

“I showed you the picture, does THIS look like him?!”

“No, but-!”

Somewhere in the house a window broke, stopping the argument in an instant.

“…did you hear that?”

“Of course I did you dimwit.”

“What wa-.”

“Shhhh.”

One turned around to Mallory, asking if he had somehow managed to call somebody, getting a famous raised eyebrow from M because even if he would answer that question, Mallory was still gagged.

It went off and the question was asked again.

He simply smirked.

Alec was already standing in the shadow ready to intervene at any second.

“ **I** didn’t call anyone.“

Both thugs looked puzzled.

And got their heads bashed together, falling to the floor unconscious.

“Hello Trevelyan, good timing.“

“Hello boss. Couldn’t they even make your kidnapping a bit more of an effort?”

Mallory couldn’t suppress a snort.

“Don’t worry I have someone for you track when this is wrapped up here.”

Alec helped him out of the bounds, while chatting with Q to call off, or at least reassure a probably high-strung Bond.

They didn’t need even more speeding tickets this month – this _year._

Mallory picked the photo up which should resemble him…which it totally didn’t. He gave it to the 00.

“Get in contact with Q who this man is and find out why the men wanted him.”

Bond appeared in the doorway, looking back and forth between the unconscious men and them, then shrugged.

“That was fast.”

“It was a very bad attempt.”

It didn’t take long to string the two thugs up and get them into one of the MI6 cars outside.

So many people called together for so little.

Well…on the bright side – people did care if he disappeared or not.

With a hand on either shoulder Mallory was pushed to another car, Alec in the back with him and James at the front.

The later sniffled and turned to Alec.

“Did you went to McDonalds without me?”

“I was hungry…still am for that matter.”

And that was how Mallory found himself between the two agents in a McDonalds waiting for his chicken nuggets.

Bond poked Mallory to get him out of his thought.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Do I look like 60 to you?”

* * *

When the trio finally returned, they walked in on a laughing Q-branch. Bewildered they made their way over to the screen the minions crowded around. Someone had turned the camera footage and headset/tracker audio into a bad Hollywood trailer.

Gosh, Mallory was surrounded by children.

.

.

Then again it were _his_ children. And it was a well done trailer parody.

Mallory couldn’t help but smile. For all the stress and grey hair stubble he bloody loved his job.

Disappointing kidnappings aside.


End file.
